Your child comes home with a silver medal.

They came second.

They worked hard. They practised. They performed well. Yet instead of celebrating, they are upset.

Perhaps they are crying.

Perhaps they are angry.

Perhaps they say, “I should have won.”

You may find yourself thinking, But you came second! Why are you so upset?

This reaction can be difficult for parents to understand. Coming second is a significant achievement, yet a child can experience genuine disappointment at the same time.

The way we respond in this moment can influence how children learn to understand competition, disappointment and their own sense of achievement.

Why can second place feel so difficult?

When children compete, they are not simply experiencing a result.

They may also be comparing their performance with someone else’s.

Coming second can make the difference between first and second feel particularly visible. A child may focus on the person who won rather than on how much they have accomplished themselves.

Their internal dialogue may sound like:

• “I was so close.”
• “If I had done that one thing differently, I would have won.”
• “I am not as good as them.”
• “Everyone will think I am a loser.”
• “I practised so much and still did not win.”

For some children, the emotional response can be much larger than the event itself appears to warrant.

Children are still developing their ability to manage disappointment and regulate strong emotions. Competition can also activate concerns about competence, comparison and expectations. Research on children’s responses to disappointment has found associations between emotional understanding, emotional intensity and the way emotions are expressed and regulated.

Competition can add another layer when children begin connecting performance with their sense of self. Children’s Wisconsin notes that pressure can increase when young athletes start feeling that their value depends on how they perform.

That is why the conversation after the competition matters.

“At least you came second” may not help

When a child is upset, parents often try to make the feeling disappear quickly.

You might say:

“But you came second!”

Or:

“You should be happy with your result.”

Or:

“It is only a competition.”

These statements usually come from a caring place.

The difficulty is that the child may hear something different:

“I should not feel disappointed.”

The child is aware that second place is a good result. Their problem is that they are disappointed.

Those two experiences can exist together.

A child can be proud of coming second and sad that they did not come first.

They can appreciate their medal and still wish they had won.

They can recognise that they performed well while feeling frustrated about a mistake.

Acknowledging the disappointment gives the child room to process the experience before moving towards reflection.

The Cleveland Clinic recommends listening to children when they are disappointed, acknowledging that losing is difficult and then helping them reframe the experience.

What should you say instead?

Try starting with emotional acknowledgement.

You could say:

“I can see that you are disappointed. You really wanted first place.”

Then pause.

You do not need to immediately turn the moment into a lesson.

Once your child has had some space to settle, you can ask:

“What part of your performance are you proud of?”

Then:

“Was there anything you learnt from today?”

And later:

“Is there something you would like to practise before the next competition?”

These questions help shift attention towards the child’s own experience rather than keeping the focus solely on the ranking.

Research and professional guidance around children’s competition also support allowing children to experience disappointment rather than rushing them towards positivity. Children’s Wisconsin recommends giving children space to experience difficult emotions after competition and allowing time to recover before providing feedback.

Try this simple expressive arts exercise

This is where expressive arts can give children another way to process the experience.

Give your child a sheet of paper and some colours.

Ask:

“If coming second had a colour, what colour would it be?”

Let them choose without correcting or interpreting their choice.

Then ask:

“Show me what that feeling looks like.”

They can draw lines, shapes, symbols, scribbles, figures or anything else that represents the experience.

There is no need to create a beautiful picture.

The purpose is to give the child another channel through which to represent an experience that may be difficult to explain verbally.

Once they finish, you can gently ask:

“Tell me about this part.”

Avoid telling them what their drawing means.

Let the child be the person who gives the meaning to their artwork.

You could then add a second section to the page:

“What I am proud of.”

And a third:

“What I want to work on.”

This creates space for both the emotion and the learning that can come from the experience.

Turn the result into information

A competition result gives children information about that particular event.

It does not provide a complete measurement of their ability or their identity.

Coming second tells you that another participant finished ahead of them on that occasion.

It does not tell your child:

“You are not good enough.”

This distinction is important.

A child who interprets every result as a judgement of their ability may begin avoiding challenges where they might fail.

A healthier approach is to help them look at the result as feedback.

Instead of:

“I am bad at this.”

The child can gradually learn to think:

“That part was difficult for me.”

Instead of:

“I always lose.”

They can learn:

“I want to practise this skill.”

Instead of:

“I am worse than them.”

They can consider:

“What can I learn from watching how they did it?”

The Association for Applied Sport Psychology describes growth-oriented thinking as viewing abilities as capable of developing through effort, learning and perseverance. It also notes that mindset can fluctuate under pressure, so children should not be labelled permanently as having either a “growth” or “fixed” mindset.

Be careful with praise

Praise can be helpful, but what we praise matters.

If children repeatedly hear:

“You are so talented.”

They may begin to worry about situations where their performance does not match that label.

Try noticing specific behaviours instead.

For example:

“I noticed how much you practised before this competition.”

Or:

“You kept going after you made that mistake.”

Or:

“You looked nervous and still stepped up to perform.”

This helps children recognise aspects of their behaviour that they can influence.

The emphasis becomes their process rather than a fixed judgement about whether they are talented.

What about children who become very upset after losing?

Strong disappointment after a competition does not automatically indicate a problem.

Children differ in temperament, emotional intensity and the amount of time they need to recover.

The important thing is to look at the broader pattern.

Pay attention if competition repeatedly leads to:

• intense negative self-talk
• refusing to participate in activities they previously enjoyed
• persistent fear of making mistakes
• frequent emotional outbursts
• significant distress before competitions
• withdrawal after perceived failure
• ongoing pressure around performance

Children’s Wisconsin notes that persistent irritability, withdrawal, negative self-talk or physical outbursts after competition can indicate that a child is struggling to recover from competitive pressure. It also recommends seeking additional support when sports-related stress begins affecting areas such as school, sleep or relationships.

If you are concerned about a child’s emotional wellbeing, consider discussing the situation with an appropriately qualified mental health professional.

Parents are part of the learning environment

Children observe how adults respond to winning and losing.

Our reactions can communicate powerful messages.

If adults become extremely upset when their child loses, the child may learn that losing is something to fear.

If adults immediately analyse every mistake, the child may begin experiencing home as another place where their performance is evaluated.

Children’s Wisconsin recommends keeping home as a space where young athletes can decompress after competition rather than turning every journey home into a performance review.

After an event, you could simply ask:

“How are you feeling?”

Listen.

Give them some space.

Then, when they are ready, explore what they would like to take from the experience.

A useful post-competition conversation

Here is a simple sequence you can save:

1. Name the feeling

“You seem really disappointed.”

2. Allow the feeling

“It makes sense that you wanted to win.”

3. Give space

You do not need to immediately fix the emotion.

4. Explore

“What part was hardest for you?”

5. Reflect

“What are you proud of?”

6. Look forward

“What would you like to work on next?”

The conversation can happen naturally rather than as a formal debrief.

A silver medal does not have to become a consolation prize

Children can learn to hold two truths at the same time:

“I am disappointed that I came second.”

and

“I am proud of what I achieved.”

That emotional flexibility is far more useful than forcing a child to feel happy about an outcome.

Competition will bring moments of winning and losing.

Children cannot control every result.

They can learn to recognise their feelings, recover from disappointment and decide what they want to do next.

That is where the real learning begins.

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Watch the YouTube Short

I created a short video on this exact topic, explaining why second place can feel surprisingly difficult for children and what parents can say instead.

Watch the YouTube Short:

If you found the video useful, subscribe to the channel for more practical content on children’s emotional wellbeing, parenting and expressive arts.

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Try this with your child today

The next time your child is disappointed about coming second, resist the urge to immediately celebrate the ranking.

Start with:

“I can see that you really wanted to win.”

Then give them time.

Later, ask:

“What are you proud of?”

And:

“What would you like to learn from today?”

You may find that the conversation changes completely once the child feels understood.

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Helpful Resources for Children

If you want to create more opportunities for your child to talk about feelings, reflection journals, emotion cards and growth-oriented prompts can be useful additions to the home environment.

Feelings and emotions cards

These can give children a concrete way to identify and discuss emotions that may otherwise be difficult to describe.

Children’s feelings journal

A feelings journal can provide a private space for children to record or draw what they experienced.

Growth mindset journal

This type of guided journal can support reflection around challenges, learning and personal development.

Affiliate disclosure: Some product links in this section may be affiliate links. If you purchase through my link, I may receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. I only recommend resources that are relevant to the topic of this article.

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Looking for More Support?

If your child regularly struggles with disappointment, performance pressure, emotional regulation or fear of failure, individual support can help you understand what may be contributing to the pattern.

As a counselling psychologist and expressive arts therapist, I work with children and families around emotional wellbeing and practical coping skills.

You can also explore more resources and educational content through EducateAble.

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Final thought

A child who is upset about coming second does not necessarily need to be convinced that second place is wonderful.

They may first need someone to understand why they are disappointed.

Once that feeling has been given space, there is room for reflection.

And from there, a silver medal can become more than a ranking.

It can become a starting point for learning how to handle disappointment, recognise progress and keep participating even when the result is different from what they hoped for.