Have you ever said something to your child and watched them respond as though you had said something completely different?
You say:
“Can you bring that thing tomorrow?”
Your child asks:
“Which thing?”
You reply:
“You know what I mean.”
And suddenly, a simple request has turned into frustration.
You may be thinking, “Why are they making this so difficult?”
Your child may be thinking, “I genuinely do not know what you mean. Why are you getting angry?”
This kind of communication mismatch can be particularly important to understand when an autistic child and a neurotypical parent are communicating. Autistic people have diverse communication profiles, and not every autistic child experiences language in the same way. However, some autistic children may find implied meanings, ambiguous instructions, sarcasm or non-literal language harder to interpret. Clear, direct language and visual information can be helpful.
The good news is that you can explore this idea with your child without turning the conversation into a lesson about autism.
Try a puzzle.
The Missing Puzzle Piece
The idea is simple.
Imagine that every conversation gives us pieces of a picture.
One person might have:
“Bring that tomorrow.”
The other person might be trying to work out:
Bring what?
To where?
At what time?
For what purpose?
The speaker may feel that the missing information is obvious because it exists in their own mind.
The listener does not have access to that mental picture.
They only have the words that were spoken.
That difference can create a surprisingly large gap.
Visual supports can be particularly useful for autistic children and young people because information that is spoken can be harder to process or retain in some situations. Guidance from NHS services recommends clear, direct language, avoiding ambiguity, allowing processing time and using written or visual information when helpful.
This is where the puzzle metaphor becomes useful.
Try This With Your Pre-Teen: The Missing Puzzle Piece
This activity is particularly suitable for children around 9–12 years old, although you can adapt it for an older child or teenager.
You do not need a therapeutic setting.
You do not need special art skills.
You simply need a few puzzle pieces, paper and something to draw with.
You will need
- A small jigsaw puzzle
- Two sheets of paper
- Pens or markers
- Optional: speech-bubble-shaped paper
You can use a puzzle you already have at home.
If you would like a puzzle specifically for the activity, choose something your child enjoys rather than something designed specifically for communication work.
Step 1: Give the Puzzle a Problem
Take two puzzle pieces that do not fit together.
Hold them up and say:
“Imagine these are two people having a conversation.”
Then explain:
“Each person has part of the picture, but they do not have exactly the same information.”
Do not explain the whole lesson yet.
Let your child look at the pieces.
Ask:
“What do you think happens when two people are trying to complete a picture but they have different pieces?”
Let them answer.
Their answer might surprise you.
Step 2: Give Them an Ambiguous Message
Now write this sentence on a piece of paper:
“Can you bring that tomorrow?”
Ask your child:
“If someone said this to you, what would you think they wanted you to bring?”
Let them give their answer.
Perhaps they imagine:
A book.
You then reveal that you were thinking:
A school project.
Or perhaps your child imagines a football, while you were referring to a water bottle.
There is no wrong answer.
That is the point.
The same sentence can produce different mental pictures.
Step 3: Turn It Into a Drawing
Give your child two pieces of paper.
Label one:
WHAT I HEARD
Label the other:
WHAT THEY MEANT
Ask them to draw what they imagined when they heard the sentence.
You can draw your own interpretation on the other page.
For example:
What the child heard
“Bring that tomorrow.”
🖍️ Drawing of a book
What the parent meant
“Bring that tomorrow.”
🖍️ Drawing of a science project
Now place the two drawings next to each other.
Ask:
“Did we hear the same words?”
The answer is yes.
Then ask:
“Did we create the same picture in our heads?”
The answer may be no.
And that is your teaching moment.
Step 4: Find the Missing Piece
Now take another piece of paper.
Write:
“Please bring your science project to school tomorrow morning.”
Ask your child:
“What picture do you have now?”
Draw it.
Then place the three versions side by side:
“Bring that tomorrow.”
⬇️
“Bring what?”
⬇️
“Please bring your science project to school tomorrow morning.”
The vague message has become a clear message.
The missing puzzle piece was information.
Step 5: Introduce the Magic Question
Now give your child a sentence they might genuinely hear in everyday life.
For example:
“Can you do that later?”
Ask:
“What could you say if you were not sure what I meant?”
Help them practise:
“Could you be more specific?”
or:
“What do you mean by that?”
or:
“Which one do you mean?”
This is an important communication skill.
A child does not need to guess what another person means simply because the other person assumes it is obvious.
Asking for clarification is part of effective communication.
Why This Can Be Helpful for Autistic Children
Autistic communication is highly individual. Some autistic children have no significant difficulty with spoken language, while others may have differences in understanding language, processing spoken information or interpreting social communication. Communication needs can also change depending on stress, sensory load and the environment.
For children who find ambiguous language difficult, phrases such as:
“You know what I mean.”
“Do the usual thing.”
“Get that one.”
“Sort it out later.”
can leave important information unstated.
A child may then be accused of ignoring instructions when they were genuinely unsure about the intended meaning.
Clear language can reduce this unnecessary confusion.
For example:
Instead of:
“Can you get that thing?”
Try:
“Please bring your blue notebook from your bedroom.”
Instead of:
“Do it later.”
Try:
“Please finish the first two questions after dinner.”
Instead of:
“You know what I mean.”
Try:
“Let me explain what I mean.”
NHS guidance for supporting autistic children recommends clear, precise and unambiguous communication, avoiding unnecessary hints and allowing time for processing. Visual reminders can also help with important information.
The Psychology Behind the Puzzle
The activity is demonstrating a simple idea:
We respond to the meaning we construct from the information available to us.
Two people can hear the same sentence and construct different interpretations.
This does not automatically mean that either person is being difficult.
It also does not mean that every communication difference between an autistic and neurotypical person can be explained by this single concept.
Communication is influenced by language ability, context, processing demands, familiarity with the speaker, stress and individual communication preferences.
The puzzle simply gives children a concrete way to understand one part of the problem.
The visual metaphor can also help move the conversation away from blame.
Instead of:
“Why didn’t you understand me?”
you can explore:
“Which puzzle piece were you missing?”
That question invites problem-solving.
A Small Change Parents Can Make
When communication breaks down, try checking whether your child has the information needed to understand your request.
You can ask:
“What did you understand me to mean?”
This question can be more useful than:
“Why didn’t you listen?”
If your child gives you an interpretation that differs from what you intended, you have immediately found the communication gap.
You can then add the missing information.
For example:
Parent:
“Please put that away.”
Child:
“Put what away?”
Parent:
“The coloured pencils on the dining table.”
The second instruction is clearer because the child now has enough information to identify the intended task.
You Can Also Reverse the Activity
This can become even more interesting with a pre-teen.
Let your child become the person giving the instruction.
Ask them to give you a deliberately vague instruction:
“Put that over there.”
Then intentionally ask:
“Which thing?”
“Where?”
“When?”
Your child can then see how much information was missing.
Afterwards, ask them to turn the vague instruction into a clear one.
For example:
Vague:
“Put that over there.”
Clear:
“Please put the red folder on the bookshelf.”
This turns communication into a little detective game.
What If Your Child Gets Frustrated?
Keep the activity playful.
You do not need to complete it during a moment of conflict.
A calm moment is usually a better time to explore communication strategies. Guidance for parents also recommends talking when the child is calm and allowing additional processing time when communication is demanding.
If your child says:
“I don’t know.”
You can simply say:
“That’s okay. Let’s find out together.”
If they do not want to draw, they could use objects, point to pictures, write words or explain verbally.
The activity should remain flexible around the child’s preferred communication method.
You Do Not Need to Interpret the Drawing
There is an important distinction here.
The drawing is being used as a communication tool, rather than as something for an adult to analyse for hidden meanings.
If your child draws a book, you do not need to decide what the book represents.
Simply ask:
“Tell me what you were imagining.”
This gives the child control over the meaning of their own drawing.
Visual tools can support communication, yet they should be adapted to the individual child’s needs and preferences. Some children may communicate more comfortably through writing, pictures, objects, gestures or other forms of communication.
Watch the Activity in Action
I have demonstrated this idea in a short EducateAble video using the Missing Puzzle Piece metaphor.
▶️ Watch the YouTube Short: When Your Child Hears Something Completely Different | The Missing Puzzle Piece | Expressive Arts Activity
Watching the demonstration can make it easier to see how little explanation is needed.
The activity works because the child gets to experience the communication gap visually.
Materials You Can Keep at Home
You do not need a specialist therapy kit for this activity.
A few simple materials can become useful communication tools.
1. Children’s Jigsaw Puzzle
Choose a puzzle that matches your child’s age and interests. You only need a few pieces for the activity.
2. Conversation Cards
Conversation prompt cards can provide additional opportunities to practise asking questions, explaining meaning and exploring different perspectives.
3. Dry-Erase Board
A small dry-erase board makes the activity reusable. You can write an ambiguous sentence, let your child draw what they understood, erase it and try another example.
4. Speech-Bubble Whiteboard
A speech-bubble board can make the visual communication aspect of the activity more engaging.
A Note About Buying Materials
You do not need to purchase anything to try this activity.
A household puzzle, scrap paper and a pen are enough.
If you already have art supplies or puzzles at home, use those first.
The materials are there to support the conversation. The interaction is the important part.
A Simple Phrase Parents Can Keep
When a conversation starts going wrong, try replacing:
“You know what I mean.”
with:
“Let me give you another piece of information.”
That tiny change can shift the conversation from frustration towards clarification.
And you can make it playful:
“Which puzzle piece are you missing?”
Then work together to find it.
When Extra Support May Be Helpful
A communication activity can give you a useful way to practise a skill at home. It cannot determine why a particular child is experiencing communication difficulties.
If your child has persistent difficulty understanding or expressing language, significant distress around communication, or communication difficulties that are interfering with home or school life, consider discussing your concerns with an appropriately qualified professional.
Speech and language professionals can assess communication needs, while mental health professionals can support emotional and relational difficulties that may accompany repeated communication breakdowns.
For autistic children, support should be individualised rather than based on assumptions about how all autistic people communicate.
Final Thoughts
A communication breakdown can feel like a conflict when the real problem is missing information.
The puzzle activity gives children a concrete way to see this.
Two people can hear the same words.
Two different pictures can appear.
Adding the missing information can bring those pictures closer together.
The next time your child says:
“I don’t know what you mean.”
try reaching for a puzzle piece instead of immediately repeating the instruction.
You might discover that the child was never refusing to understand.
They simply needed another piece.
Try the Activity
🧩 Use a puzzle.
🗣️ Give one deliberately vague instruction.
🎨 Draw what each person imagined.
🔎 Find the missing information.
💬 Practise asking: “Could you be more specific?”
Then watch the EducateAble Short and try the activity with your child:
▶️
If this activity helps your family, share this article with another parent who may find it useful.
Explore More from EducateAble
At EducateAble, I create practical resources combining counselling psychology, expressive arts and child-focused support. EducateAble also provides learning and wellbeing programmes around neurodiversity and inclusive education.
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This article is for educational purposes and does not replace individual assessment or professional support. Communication profiles vary considerably among autistic and neurotypical children. Adapt activities to the child’s age, communication preferences and needs.
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